Argh

Tired. So very tired. I feel like we are moving backward insteads of forward.

If I had had time to write this post yesterday, it would have had a very different tone. Anytime I can get a total of 7 or 8 hours of sleep between the hours of 10 pm and 10 am, with at least one stretch of 2.5 - 3 hours if Dean sleeps for 3.5 or 4, I feel like I can handle anything. My mood is happy, I have energy, I get things done around the house, I keep up with Henry, I usually even manage a brisk walk. Yesterday the weather was lovely, I returned books to the library and then walked along the levee with Dean in the baby carrier on my chest. And there must have been another good night this week, because I remember I took Henry on his bike with us for a long walk and we had such a good time, talking to neighbors, smelling the flowers, enjoying the sunshine.

But days like today I just want to cry. I did manage to get some sleep, but it went something like this: nurse Dean at 10 pm, hold him upright for 15 minutes so he doesn't spit up everywhere, get him down and get myself into bed by 11 pm. Wake up to Dean crying at 12:45 am. Nurse him, fall in and out of sleep with him in chair until 1:45 am, get Matthew to help putting him back to sleep. Wake up to Dean crying at 2:45 am. Try to get him to go back to sleep, no go, nurse him, swaddle him to go back to bed -- his eyes fly open. And stay open. I am in tears by 3:30 am so Matthew takes him and Dean spends the next hour and half spitting up, over and over, until he finally conks out at 5 am. Wake up to Dean crying at 7:00 am (so he managed to go for four hours between feedings, but DID NOT SLEEP for half of that). Take care of him and Henry until 8:00, wake Matthew up to take Henry to school. At that point Mom came over to relieve us, so I went back to sleep for a few hours. Now Matthew is getting his turn.

And so it has gone for at least half the nights for the past week or so. Some nights are good -- he goes between 2.5 and 3.5 hours between feedings, and goes back to sleep pretty easily so I am back in bed within 45 minutes. But those nights are seeming fewer, when they should be becoming more regular. There is simply no pattern, and we are now at almost 7 weeks. I've been doing all the babywise scheduling/routine stuff during the day (not easy with a reflux baby), we have a nighttime routine, we keep the room darkened and don't interact during nighttime feedings, but -- still no predictability yet. And it is not only exhausting, it gets me depressed. I have to start working again in a little over a month -- I know that's a third of his life so far and newborns can change so much in that much time, but a part of me just panics that it will still be like this at that point, and I don't see how I can function.

I don't like feeling like this -- I know I am fortunate to get as much sleep as I do, and to have my Mom close by to help, and to have a husband who works from home and doesn't seem to resent being woken up during the night to help me when I feel I've reached a breaking point. And I wouldn't mind some horrible nights if I felt it was two steps forward, one step back. But right now it feels like the reverse. And I am just...so...tired.