Nature Therefore Nurture

I am finally coming up for air after Mardi Gras and a trip to Louisville and then getting back into the swing of school and work. Mardi Gras was a mixed bag, mostly very good but also terribly crowded on our favorite day because Endymion rolled after Bacchus due to weather. The kids had a blast up in the parade ladder, and we loved seeing Scott and Nan and Rocko and their friend Travis and all our other friends and family we spent time with along the route, but after five days of parades, we were DONE. Time to get on an airplane to Kentucky! We left Mardi Gras morning. The flight and the drive went smoothly; in fact, everything the whole time went smoohtly, except for the dismal weather while we were there. We stayed in a suite hotel and I am so glad, it was such a relief at the end of the day to put the kids to bed in one room and be able to read or watch TV on our own in our own bedroom. Sarah and Charles and the kids and the Aunt Sues were all terrific; we had great meals together and took the kids (the twins stayed home) to the children's museum two days in a row. While this mostly was due to the rain and the fact that their children's museum has this fantastic water play area inside that the kids could';t get enough of, it also was in due in no small part to the fact that they were featuring a Star Trek exhibit. Oh. My. God. I sat in Kirk's chair, but that was not the highlight. They built a full scale transporter and I got tears in my eyes standing on it. Then Matthew said, wait, you have to see this. I turned a corner, and there it was -- Picard's recreated lounge. It was amazing, all the props and the lighting and everything was completely accurate. I just had to stand there and soak it in. I know, I KNOW. But this is my thing, TNG is my valium, I own the entire series on DVD and have watched it and am just waiting one more year before watching it all over again. It was a beautiful moment for me. Matthew bought me a shirt that says, "What Happens in the Holodeck Stays on the Holodeck." So sexy.

But now it is back to real life and the springing of Spring. Just in the few days we were out of town, half the trees and bushes began to bud. Everything is in that glorious in between stage, where one crepe myrtle is a froth of green and the one right next to it still stands bare. The weather has been beautiful and because of daylight savings (which I despise), we are spending more time outside in the evenings. Yesterday after picking Henry up from school Matthew met me with Dean and I took both the boys to Audubon Park while he went on a photo shoot at City Park. They played on the St. Charles playground and then Henry saw a kid he recognized from school who was playing ball with his grandmother. I watched as Henry walked slowly in a large circle around them and I anticipated him coming to me and asking me to ask the grandmother if he could play. But as I watched in shock, he himself walked over to the woman and asked if he could join. And he and his friend had a wonderful time. Later when we were all getting into the car, I was complimenting him and Dean on coming right away when I said it was time to leave, and Henry said, "And are you also proud that I asked to join the game on my own?" Yes, baby, I said, looking him straight in the eyes, so very, very proud.

There have been more and more of those moments lately. He is definitely getting stronger emotionally. His startling eloquence about his internal struggles ("I feel like I have two brains; I wish the bad brain would let me do things everyone else does and not be afraid") has turned out to be an asset, though it does sometimes freak me out. He and I came up with names for his "two brains" -- there is Super-Henry, who knows he can handle things and be happy and responsible, and there is Un-Henry, who feels fearful and babyish and shy. I am struck by the fact that while we often refer to "Nature versus Nurture", it makes as much sense to think of it as "Nature therefore Nurture." There is no question that he inherited much of his reticence and emotional sensitivity from me and Matthew; but we can also nurture those aspects of him to help him get stronger, particularly since we've been there ourselves. I am working hard to help him voice his feelings and fears, and master them to some degree with breathing and visualization and the distraction of books and positive thoughts, techniques I had to learn when I was only a little older than he and began to struggle with anxiety and depression. I am so proud of him, and also hopeful because I've been there and know it can get better.